2010

I am writing this with a rather heavy heart.

Not because of anything specific in particular (thankfully), but just feeling very mixed-up, or should I say, messed up or pent up emotions – all in turmoil.

Jen asked me one day – quite out of the blue – if I am happy.

That was the exact question that my boss asked me when we were doing my appraisal.

Am I happy?

I asked myself that question far many more times than anyone else asked me.

Honestly, I have no answer. That is hopelessly pathetic.

Work

I am happy with what I am doing. Or am I? Really?

I don’t know. But one thing I know for sure is I am slipping into my comfort zone – so much so that I am just working like a no-brainer robot.

Alright – we visited this issue before, but I never really face up to it. I just smile and brush it off. Boss asked me if I am getting bored or if I am overloaded and if she should take some responsibilities off me, so that I can focus on bigger things.

Focus on bigger things – yes, I welcome that. In fact, I don’t even think I’m stretching to my full capabilities yet. Surprisingly, my boss agreed.

Take away my current responsibilities – I’m not so sure. Those are my babies. My territory and I don’t want anyone to come mess it up.

I had an intern whom I thought could help me with some work. To be fair, he did help a bit here and there. But he also messed up things here and there. So that equates to no help nor value add. I was still clearing the mess until two days ago. So no, no thank you.

Again, the issue of initiative pops up.

Ask me how to plan, do and hype up an event – I can and did. Ask me how to write press releases and articles spun from nothing - I can and did. Ask me help the business lines in their projects – I can and did.

So why do I still not meet the blardy KPIs? You said because those things that I did are expected. They are my bread and butter. They are my babies. So they do NOT count.

Huh? For a moment, I thought something in that sounds terribly wrong. Yet, I can’t pinpoint what it was there and then.

Now I know. If they are my bread and butter, and yet, they do not count. What counts? They also take up blardy hell a lot of my effort and time, you know?

I need fresh ideas from you. I need fresh proposals from you. I need to see initiative. So that’s why you fail.

You didn’t employ me as a consultant, you know?

I feel unjustified. Yet, I honestly don’t know what else to say.

How many more fresh ideas or perspective you want from me for, say, a newsletter? Whatever a newsletter can include had been incorporated. Even to the extent of creating more silly tasks for myself in trying to engage people by getting them to do surveys – and writing about it.

So does that mean that if I am given the same KPIs again for next year, I can just sit at one corner and think, ponder, think? No need plan and execute any tangible and measurable work.  Cos anyway, you just need fresh and new ideas and proposals. 

Ironically, I kind of expected all she said. That’s why I also did not really “argue” or “fight” back. I’m not sure whether it’s because I’m resigned to it or I can’t be bothered or I’m just too tired.

Then again, I know deep down, somehow, my mindset is not right. I lost my aggressiveness and drive, and worse, I know they are depleting every minute and second. That is so NOT me.

And I think I know where the root of the issue lies. I need to be more positive. Mindset. Yes.

Friends

I am beginning to entertain weird and paranoid thoughts about my friends. To an extent that sometimes, I honestly suspect I am going nuts and should visit a psychiatrist.

Some friends are irritating me at times. I feel stalked.

I don’t want to feel obligated to have to entertain you. To talk to you. To answer you. To update you on my every move. If I want to, I will. If I don’t want to, or deflect your question, please get the drift and move on.

I think the existence of Facebook is luring all the stalking freaks in each and everyone of us.

That’s bad. Too exposed.

And it is also luring out the self-centredness and egoistic freaks in each and everyone of us. Why else would you be updating your status every now and then? Or posting photos? Or change profile pictures?

When you update that status, or post photos or change profile pictures, aren’t you yearning to see what other people will say about it? Or for some instances, some specific people’s reactions? Attention seekers – aren’t we?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m guilty of it too.

The hibernation freak in me is coming out soon. I feel like getting away soon. Alone. Away.

But of course, I feel blessed I also have many friends whom I trust are true to me. Are sincere and who honestly want the best for me – even when they are not going through a smooth ride themselves. Who can put up with all my nonsense, temper & bitchiness. I honestly don’t know what I will do without them. On the contrary, I feel inadequate. I feel that I am not as tolerant and accommodating towards them as they are towards me.

Again. It boils down to mindset, I guess. And willingness.

Relationships

It’s kind of a weird feeling to know that two of my close friends have gone through marriage, divorce and are now getting married again – soon.

He once asked me what girls of my age think and talk about. I can’t really remember what my reply was but I think I did mention marriage.

Which is honestly true. Age is really catching up. Even if looks can deceive, your body clock inside won’t lie.

I have friends paying thousands to try to find their Mr Right – but to no avail. They say that the guys they were introduced to really fit every category that they ticked during the interview. Perfect. But somehow, something was amiss and so nothing worked out.

Ahh… chemistry.

I just find it weird that love has to come down to a level of – being a checklist. It’s just sad and somewhat, I don’t know, wrong? And given how the government is trying to push singles to date, I just find the whole issue too theoretical and mechanical. Somehow, something is missing.

Then there was this other case where a friend took all the initiative and the guy responded favourably but yet when she asked if the relationship could possibly be taken to the next level, or whether there is even a possibility for that matter, the answer was, sadly, no. I thought so too. Something must be amiss when she is the one doing all the asking all this while. But she thought that there might be a bit of chance since the guy responded favourably each and every time. But this friend seems to be doing alright, which is good.

And then there is another case which is a total messed up one. In fact, messy is an understatement (word). It’s worse than messy. She should not have stepped into it in the first place and given how things have turned out so far, I honestly think it’s a joke. Let’s just hope it’s not going to be a dead end.

And then there is yet another case where the gal gave her heart, body, soul and money and the guy is now evading her. She might have to turn to ask for some legal help to try get her money back.

But I guess, we are all adults. We should be mature enough to make some sound judgement and should know what we are doing. And whether certain people are worthy of your love and to pursue.

Then again, love is blind. Until you are really hurt and have your heart broken into pieces, or should I say, disintegrated, would you really give up.

And then again, love also makes the world go round. It is the most addictive drug in the whole universe because it has the magical power to make you do things that you may never imagine yourself doing. That’s when all the bashfulness and silliness come in. =D

Woah. Honestly, given all the things that I have heard and known, I think I have more than enough materials to write some love fiction. And maybe turn it into another series like “Sex and the City”. Hah! Singapore true love/lust stories. How about that?

Other random ramblings

Now that 2010 has only two more days, everyone seems to be doing a summary of what they have or have not done this year on their blogs.

Should I do one too, I thought?

It’s kind of sad that my mind drew a blank when I tried to think of what I have achieved this year. Or have not achieved this year.

2009 was a year full of short trips to Malaysia and islands – to enjoy the sun, the sand and the sea.

This year, well… I’ve gone to Bintan in March, Rawa again in May, Batam in June, Hong Kong in August, parts of Europe in November. Supposed to go Bintan again in December but… grrr...

Oh well…

Still not too bad, I suppose – based on my own barometer.

Then again, actually, it doesn’t really matter where I go. It’s my company that makes the trip memorable.

I really prefer going on trips with 1-2 people and spend 24/7 together. Such trips are the only time when mobile phones, Internet, and whatever kind of mobile gadgets and applications can be kept to the minimum. And you really get to spend some face time together. Bonding – I like.

Maybe it got to do with age. While I appreciate my me-time, I am also very grateful for the time spent with people I hold dear and close to my heart as well.

Of course, there are still a handful of people whom I would really like to spend some time with by meeting them more often. Hopefully, I get to do that in 2011.

I stopped dancing for slightly more than three months and I’m going to pick it up again this January. Can’t wait. I actually like the aches and soreness I experience after the lessons. It means I really work my muscles. Hah – I’m a masochist.

I think I would try to cut down on time spent in front of the computer in 2011. I want to go back to reading. Reading books, novels, magazines. That was what I used to do a year ago and I thought I felt more… to put it in very layman terms – felt more substantial inside. Somehow, this year, I think I spent too much time in front of the computer and I felt so bimbotic. Somehow.

And doing cross-stitching. Baking and cooking.

2011 is going to be a better year. All I need is just a positive and determined mindset. And based on my own track record for the past some 30 years (damn!), I know I can do it!