Blabbers

Bloss made me repeat to myself.  对事不对人,  对事不对人,  对事不对人.

And breathe, breathe and breathe.

What the hell. I can't breathe at all.  Literally.  With all my blocked respiratory system.  

Jen told me I'm not the only one dreading going to work.  So it's OK - to have such feelings once in a while. 

Bloss told me she thinks she lost her passion in her line of work. 

So, OK.  I have two people telling me similar things. 

But.  But that should not be the case. 

I'm tired. 

Not sure if it is due to medicine, or my illness, or that I feel very out of the world and floating around - I nearly threw my water bottle into the bin, instead of my rubbish in the other hand this morning. 

And I felt very faint after lunch, having walked under the hot sun.   Must be the flu bug. 

And I'm still not getting any better after taking the drugs.  I wonder why the medication prescribed by the company doctors always don't work, and yet they earn tonnes of money.  Idiot.

I tried to stay positive but it is so difficult.  Or rather, she makes it so difficult ~ and worse still, effortlessly.

#1
Told me to arrange with a client that the big boss would be available to speak at their event on a certain date. 

Must remember to copy her on everything, right?

So I did.   And so, I thought, as how it has always been, it would be her telling the big boss the details, and me liaising with the external party.  Hierarchy mah.  Understood.

Who noes?  She came to me and asked if I have booked big boss' time for that event.  And gave me the most incredulously unbelievable look on her face why it never occurred to me to do it.

I think I stared at her for a second then decided that there's no use to try to explain and so, I just answered her - OK, I'll do it. 

After speaking to the big boss' PA, I realised to my horror that the dates clashed with our regional internal event (which she is going as well, but I was not informed of the details, since I am not involved.) 

So, I went to her and told her about the clash of dates.  And returned her the incredulously unbelievable look on my face why it never occurred to her that the dates clashed, since she is going as well. 

Of course, I failed. 

She just told me in a relaxed tone after confirming it with her organizer, "Oh ya hor.  Dates clashed.  Then can you decline it?"

What the... I told you the date.  You were the one who checked with big boss, and gave me the heads up to confirm with the client.  You even repeated the date when you had that incredulous look on your face.  And it didn't occur to you then that the dates clashed at all, until the PA brought it up? 

And now, I have to write a diplomatic apology email and look silly, to have confirmed our participation and decline a day after.

I think it's only fair that if you expect no slip up from me, I expect no slip up from you.

#2
I had to sit down with her to propose the contents of the quarterly newsletter.  True enough - as I had expected, the first thing she asked me was what is the new section for this year I propose? 

I'm prepared but I just don't like her tone of asking. 

Anyway, everything seems fine until the end when she asked me the tasks at hand now.

Told her.  And then, some how, I can't remember how now, the conversation turned to time management. 

And then, she went on to say she wanted to pass on some coordination job to me, but not sure if I have the time to do it. 

This is a trap.  

I hate it when bosses tell you about things and then end it off with a tinge of concern - be it out of hypocrisy or out of honest concern or just for show. 

I mean, you are the boss.  You ask me to do things, could I say no?  All I could tell you is the opportunity cost - that the time I plan to do ABC will now be used to do the things you ask me to.  So ABC gets pushed back.  Or, I go home later and complete it for you - that's an opportunity cost too.  

But somehow, when ABC gets pushed back and you agree, some how, in the later stages, or after several months, the boomerang will come back and the question, "Why did ABC become a moving target? Or Why was ABC late?" 

By then, OK - this, I blame it on my own forgetfulness.  By then, a few months later, I would have forgotten why ABC was late in the first place. 

The irony today was - she asked me to take the afternoon off and go home to rest.  Right after she asked me if I have the time to do XYZ and hinted that she hoped to complete it asap within this month.

Something is just wrong between us, somewhere, some way, somehow.  There is already a slight tension. 

Maybe I should also do some self reflection.  Maybe I have not been a very good employee or subordinate as well.

Maybe...

OK.  This is going to be the last entry complaining about work.  I hope.  So inauspicious to start the year's entries with all complaints about work.

Need to do some self reflection.  Change the way I work.  Step out of my comfort zone. 

Colleagues are colleagues, not friends.  I go to work to make money, not friends, not enemies.  And definitely not to make my own life so miserable.