Blabbers

Bloss made me repeat to myself.  对事不对人,  对事不对人,  对事不对人.

And breathe, breathe and breathe.

What the hell. I can't breathe at all.  Literally.  With all my blocked respiratory system.  

Jen told me I'm not the only one dreading going to work.  So it's OK - to have such feelings once in a while. 

Bloss told me she thinks she lost her passion in her line of work. 

So, OK.  I have two people telling me similar things. 

But.  But that should not be the case. 

I'm tired. 

Not sure if it is due to medicine, or my illness, or that I feel very out of the world and floating around - I nearly threw my water bottle into the bin, instead of my rubbish in the other hand this morning. 

And I felt very faint after lunch, having walked under the hot sun.   Must be the flu bug. 

And I'm still not getting any better after taking the drugs.  I wonder why the medication prescribed by the company doctors always don't work, and yet they earn tonnes of money.  Idiot.

I tried to stay positive but it is so difficult.  Or rather, she makes it so difficult ~ and worse still, effortlessly.

#1
Told me to arrange with a client that the big boss would be available to speak at their event on a certain date. 

Must remember to copy her on everything, right?

So I did.   And so, I thought, as how it has always been, it would be her telling the big boss the details, and me liaising with the external party.  Hierarchy mah.  Understood.

Who noes?  She came to me and asked if I have booked big boss' time for that event.  And gave me the most incredulously unbelievable look on her face why it never occurred to me to do it.

I think I stared at her for a second then decided that there's no use to try to explain and so, I just answered her - OK, I'll do it. 

After speaking to the big boss' PA, I realised to my horror that the dates clashed with our regional internal event (which she is going as well, but I was not informed of the details, since I am not involved.) 

So, I went to her and told her about the clash of dates.  And returned her the incredulously unbelievable look on my face why it never occurred to her that the dates clashed, since she is going as well. 

Of course, I failed. 

She just told me in a relaxed tone after confirming it with her organizer, "Oh ya hor.  Dates clashed.  Then can you decline it?"

What the... I told you the date.  You were the one who checked with big boss, and gave me the heads up to confirm with the client.  You even repeated the date when you had that incredulous look on your face.  And it didn't occur to you then that the dates clashed at all, until the PA brought it up? 

And now, I have to write a diplomatic apology email and look silly, to have confirmed our participation and decline a day after.

I think it's only fair that if you expect no slip up from me, I expect no slip up from you.

#2
I had to sit down with her to propose the contents of the quarterly newsletter.  True enough - as I had expected, the first thing she asked me was what is the new section for this year I propose? 

I'm prepared but I just don't like her tone of asking. 

Anyway, everything seems fine until the end when she asked me the tasks at hand now.

Told her.  And then, some how, I can't remember how now, the conversation turned to time management. 

And then, she went on to say she wanted to pass on some coordination job to me, but not sure if I have the time to do it. 

This is a trap.  

I hate it when bosses tell you about things and then end it off with a tinge of concern - be it out of hypocrisy or out of honest concern or just for show. 

I mean, you are the boss.  You ask me to do things, could I say no?  All I could tell you is the opportunity cost - that the time I plan to do ABC will now be used to do the things you ask me to.  So ABC gets pushed back.  Or, I go home later and complete it for you - that's an opportunity cost too.  

But somehow, when ABC gets pushed back and you agree, some how, in the later stages, or after several months, the boomerang will come back and the question, "Why did ABC become a moving target? Or Why was ABC late?" 

By then, OK - this, I blame it on my own forgetfulness.  By then, a few months later, I would have forgotten why ABC was late in the first place. 

The irony today was - she asked me to take the afternoon off and go home to rest.  Right after she asked me if I have the time to do XYZ and hinted that she hoped to complete it asap within this month.

Something is just wrong between us, somewhere, some way, somehow.  There is already a slight tension. 

Maybe I should also do some self reflection.  Maybe I have not been a very good employee or subordinate as well.

Maybe...

OK.  This is going to be the last entry complaining about work.  I hope.  So inauspicious to start the year's entries with all complaints about work.

Need to do some self reflection.  Change the way I work.  Step out of my comfort zone. 

Colleagues are colleagues, not friends.  I go to work to make money, not friends, not enemies.  And definitely not to make my own life so miserable.

The difference between being a boss and a subordinate...

Boss to subordinate:
First thing in the morning on the first work day of 2011, I was blasted for no reason...

With a very grim face, she went, "What is the status of CNA and BT query?"

"I just saw the email query from BT.  I'll handle it."

"Huh? What do you mean you just saw it?  It was sent last week!"

"Erm.. It was sent on Thursday after 7.30 pm.  I left the office already and office was closed on Friday?"

Without acknowledging what I said and as if she was out to nail me down, she continued...

"Then what about CNA?"

"Erm, done?  Set at 4pm today?"

As if she realised she does not have anything more to blast at, she went...

"Next time, please keep me in the loop of such correspondences.  Otherwise, when I check my blackberry, I wouldn't know if you had or had not handled it.  Oh, and BT one you will handle, right?"

"Right!"

Sigh... I don't even bother to want to look at her.  I'll just make it a point to copy her in each and every email then - and flood her inbox.  What the... ...

Subordinate to boss:
"Boss, have you seen the request by XXX regarding XXX?"

"No.  Not yet."

"Boss, have you asked the other HODs during the management meeting regarding XXX?"

"No. Not yet."

Sigh... Imagine the consequences I will face if I also answer to her "No. Not yet."....  Die until no corpse...

Evidence of being a (incorrigible) TVB drama sucker

#1
I went to my friend's house and comfortably seated myself on her sofa, in front of the TV.  And watched TVB serials. One after another.  It does not matter I never watched any of the episodes before. 

While she did baking in the kitchen and her hubby surfed online in the room. 

Her hubby joined me once in a while, and went, "Wah!  Are we having a TVB marathon today?"

I just nodded, totally ignoring him. 

She joined me once in a while, and I was so glued to the TV until she did not know whether to be amused or be exasperated and left me to my good "companion". 

"You still never change!  Back in uni last time, you always want to rush home catch the TVB dramas and now also!"

*Faints*

#2
He was busy meddling with his stuff, back facing me, when he asked me what I was busy with behind his back, as I was super quiet.

"Watch TV lor."

"Huh?  你没看头没看尾，也可以看到这么入神！You know the story meh?"

"Ya.  Kinda..."

"Champion.  You are like my mum.  Just watch a few minutes can make out the whole story and how the characters are linked.  还可以说地有龙有凤! You are turning into an auntie! OMG!"

"Ya ya. Just do your stuff lar and let me watch."

"Obviously, auntie-dom didn't manage to deter you, right?"

*Speechless*

#3
Whatever come on TV, I can answer Butter or Bloss questions on what the title of the drama serials are - so much so that they say if there is ever a TVB contest, they will surely sign me up and I will definitely win - hands down!

#4
I realised I wrote abt it before - me being a TVB sucker.

#5
The TV channel would always be on the dramas whenever I go HK.  And I'll always finish watching them before packing, taking shower, etc...

2010

I am writing this with a rather heavy heart.

Not because of anything specific in particular (thankfully), but just feeling very mixed-up, or should I say, messed up or pent up emotions – all in turmoil.

Jen asked me one day – quite out of the blue – if I am happy.

That was the exact question that my boss asked me when we were doing my appraisal.

Am I happy?

I asked myself that question far many more times than anyone else asked me.

Honestly, I have no answer. That is hopelessly pathetic.

Work

I am happy with what I am doing. Or am I? Really?

I don’t know. But one thing I know for sure is I am slipping into my comfort zone – so much so that I am just working like a no-brainer robot.

Alright – we visited this issue before, but I never really face up to it. I just smile and brush it off. Boss asked me if I am getting bored or if I am overloaded and if she should take some responsibilities off me, so that I can focus on bigger things.

Focus on bigger things – yes, I welcome that. In fact, I don’t even think I’m stretching to my full capabilities yet. Surprisingly, my boss agreed.

Take away my current responsibilities – I’m not so sure. Those are my babies. My territory and I don’t want anyone to come mess it up.

I had an intern whom I thought could help me with some work. To be fair, he did help a bit here and there. But he also messed up things here and there. So that equates to no help nor value add. I was still clearing the mess until two days ago. So no, no thank you.

Again, the issue of initiative pops up.

Ask me how to plan, do and hype up an event – I can and did. Ask me how to write press releases and articles spun from nothing - I can and did. Ask me help the business lines in their projects – I can and did.

So why do I still not meet the blardy KPIs? You said because those things that I did are expected. They are my bread and butter. They are my babies. So they do NOT count.

Huh? For a moment, I thought something in that sounds terribly wrong. Yet, I can’t pinpoint what it was there and then.

Now I know. If they are my bread and butter, and yet, they do not count. What counts? They also take up blardy hell a lot of my effort and time, you know?

I need fresh ideas from you. I need fresh proposals from you. I need to see initiative. So that’s why you fail.

You didn’t employ me as a consultant, you know?

I feel unjustified. Yet, I honestly don’t know what else to say.

How many more fresh ideas or perspective you want from me for, say, a newsletter? Whatever a newsletter can include had been incorporated. Even to the extent of creating more silly tasks for myself in trying to engage people by getting them to do surveys – and writing about it.

So does that mean that if I am given the same KPIs again for next year, I can just sit at one corner and think, ponder, think? No need plan and execute any tangible and measurable work.  Cos anyway, you just need fresh and new ideas and proposals. 

Ironically, I kind of expected all she said. That’s why I also did not really “argue” or “fight” back. I’m not sure whether it’s because I’m resigned to it or I can’t be bothered or I’m just too tired.

Then again, I know deep down, somehow, my mindset is not right. I lost my aggressiveness and drive, and worse, I know they are depleting every minute and second. That is so NOT me.

And I think I know where the root of the issue lies. I need to be more positive. Mindset. Yes.

Friends

I am beginning to entertain weird and paranoid thoughts about my friends. To an extent that sometimes, I honestly suspect I am going nuts and should visit a psychiatrist.

Some friends are irritating me at times. I feel stalked.

I don’t want to feel obligated to have to entertain you. To talk to you. To answer you. To update you on my every move. If I want to, I will. If I don’t want to, or deflect your question, please get the drift and move on.

I think the existence of Facebook is luring all the stalking freaks in each and everyone of us.

That’s bad. Too exposed.

And it is also luring out the self-centredness and egoistic freaks in each and everyone of us. Why else would you be updating your status every now and then? Or posting photos? Or change profile pictures?

When you update that status, or post photos or change profile pictures, aren’t you yearning to see what other people will say about it? Or for some instances, some specific people’s reactions? Attention seekers – aren’t we?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m guilty of it too.

The hibernation freak in me is coming out soon. I feel like getting away soon. Alone. Away.

But of course, I feel blessed I also have many friends whom I trust are true to me. Are sincere and who honestly want the best for me – even when they are not going through a smooth ride themselves. Who can put up with all my nonsense, temper & bitchiness. I honestly don’t know what I will do without them. On the contrary, I feel inadequate. I feel that I am not as tolerant and accommodating towards them as they are towards me.

Again. It boils down to mindset, I guess. And willingness.

Relationships

It’s kind of a weird feeling to know that two of my close friends have gone through marriage, divorce and are now getting married again – soon.

He once asked me what girls of my age think and talk about. I can’t really remember what my reply was but I think I did mention marriage.

Which is honestly true. Age is really catching up. Even if looks can deceive, your body clock inside won’t lie.

I have friends paying thousands to try to find their Mr Right – but to no avail. They say that the guys they were introduced to really fit every category that they ticked during the interview. Perfect. But somehow, something was amiss and so nothing worked out.

Ahh… chemistry.

I just find it weird that love has to come down to a level of – being a checklist. It’s just sad and somewhat, I don’t know, wrong? And given how the government is trying to push singles to date, I just find the whole issue too theoretical and mechanical. Somehow, something is missing.

Then there was this other case where a friend took all the initiative and the guy responded favourably but yet when she asked if the relationship could possibly be taken to the next level, or whether there is even a possibility for that matter, the answer was, sadly, no. I thought so too. Something must be amiss when she is the one doing all the asking all this while. But she thought that there might be a bit of chance since the guy responded favourably each and every time. But this friend seems to be doing alright, which is good.

And then there is another case which is a total messed up one. In fact, messy is an understatement (word). It’s worse than messy. She should not have stepped into it in the first place and given how things have turned out so far, I honestly think it’s a joke. Let’s just hope it’s not going to be a dead end.

And then there is yet another case where the gal gave her heart, body, soul and money and the guy is now evading her. She might have to turn to ask for some legal help to try get her money back.

But I guess, we are all adults. We should be mature enough to make some sound judgement and should know what we are doing. And whether certain people are worthy of your love and to pursue.

Then again, love is blind. Until you are really hurt and have your heart broken into pieces, or should I say, disintegrated, would you really give up.

And then again, love also makes the world go round. It is the most addictive drug in the whole universe because it has the magical power to make you do things that you may never imagine yourself doing. That’s when all the bashfulness and silliness come in. =D

Woah. Honestly, given all the things that I have heard and known, I think I have more than enough materials to write some love fiction. And maybe turn it into another series like “Sex and the City”. Hah! Singapore true love/lust stories. How about that?

Other random ramblings

Now that 2010 has only two more days, everyone seems to be doing a summary of what they have or have not done this year on their blogs.

Should I do one too, I thought?

It’s kind of sad that my mind drew a blank when I tried to think of what I have achieved this year. Or have not achieved this year.

2009 was a year full of short trips to Malaysia and islands – to enjoy the sun, the sand and the sea.

This year, well… I’ve gone to Bintan in March, Rawa again in May, Batam in June, Hong Kong in August, parts of Europe in November. Supposed to go Bintan again in December but… grrr...

Oh well…

Still not too bad, I suppose – based on my own barometer.

Then again, actually, it doesn’t really matter where I go. It’s my company that makes the trip memorable.

I really prefer going on trips with 1-2 people and spend 24/7 together. Such trips are the only time when mobile phones, Internet, and whatever kind of mobile gadgets and applications can be kept to the minimum. And you really get to spend some face time together. Bonding – I like.

Maybe it got to do with age. While I appreciate my me-time, I am also very grateful for the time spent with people I hold dear and close to my heart as well.

Of course, there are still a handful of people whom I would really like to spend some time with by meeting them more often. Hopefully, I get to do that in 2011.

I stopped dancing for slightly more than three months and I’m going to pick it up again this January. Can’t wait. I actually like the aches and soreness I experience after the lessons. It means I really work my muscles. Hah – I’m a masochist.

I think I would try to cut down on time spent in front of the computer in 2011. I want to go back to reading. Reading books, novels, magazines. That was what I used to do a year ago and I thought I felt more… to put it in very layman terms – felt more substantial inside. Somehow, this year, I think I spent too much time in front of the computer and I felt so bimbotic. Somehow.

And doing cross-stitching. Baking and cooking.

2011 is going to be a better year. All I need is just a positive and determined mindset. And based on my own track record for the past some 30 years (damn!), I know I can do it!

Mafia at work

Something is amiss in the relationship when the conversation goes like this:

“I’ll come over later to your place.”

“Huh? Later?”

 “Yes. Where are you now? On the train?”

 “Yes, on my way home.”

 “OK. I’ll come by your place in the evening.”

 “Erm…”

 “You won’t be at home?”

 “Ya… I’m not sure if I can change… …”

“OK then. Let me go run some errands now, I’ll call you later when I’m on my way.”

“Huh? Ok… …”

If one realises, the conversation started with a statement, not a question. And the last part on my uncertainty of having to change my schedule obviously did not register.

What makes you think I am available as and when you want me to?

OK, granted.  I spoilt you – because I did make amendments to my plans. So, the root of the issue is ultimately my own doing.