I love my friends!

I came home last night, and for some I-also-don’t-know-what EMO reason, I just suddenly felt so comforted by the thought that I’m surrounded by many friends who love me just the way I am.

That’s important because I know I have several flaws that not all people can stand. I have a quick temper, am impatient, have no room for nonsensical stuff, can act like a total selfish, bitchy brat at times and the list can just go on and on…

As a few of them have already complained, I seldom take the initiative to ask to meet, and yet, when they ask to meet, they usually still have to accommodate to my schedule.

And it’s all thanks to my lazy bones – that I try not to go out on Sundays (or Monster day as the puffs call it), I don’t want to stay out too late on weekdays, which technically leave only Friday nights and Saturdays.

I just want to say a big Thank You and give a big bear hugz to:

My two other puffs, who have seen me through my lowest low (and highest high) for the past 13 years…

FY, who will always miraculously contact me at a time when I just need someone around – the kind of company when even total silence for the longest time will not be awkward at all… and who will shell prawns for me – just because I decided to act like a brat at times and did not want to get my fingers dirty!

Nan, who never fails to contact me every now and then, just to check I’m OK, and who never gets pissed with me for “flying aeroplanes” at times, or when I just decided to act nasty…

AM, who never fails to amuse me with the things she does and says.

PQ who always manages to make me (and the other two puffs) laugh and seem to always be able to dish out some good advice…

AW, who always shares with me her experiences over lunch.

AL, who recently became my punching bag, during times when I just needed to vent my frustrations. And who will just give me a reassuring pat on the shoulder thereafter.

And even JN who is always (or most of the time) readily available for me, no matter how late it is or how far away he is. And who never fails to scold me such that I am able to see things in a different light and from a different angle; yet, at the same time, never fails to encourage me to pursue my dreams and what I believe in.

And of course, several others like SP, JC, JA, PH, etc, etc…

I just want to let my friends know I really appreciate them from the bottom of my heart. Just as they love me the way I am, I also love them just the way they are (despite their flaws too!)

男人不坏，女人不爱

那天，朋友爆出一句“女人好贱。有男人对她好时，把她捧在手心里，她却对他置之不理。 另外一头却埋怨为什么另一个男人对她忽冷忽热，有时还会把自己气地暴跳如雷，又或者为他哭地稀里哗啦，却还是这么死心眼地对他一心一意。不知是要说女人贱，还是真的男人不坏，女人不爱。。。”

其实，我不这么觉得。

对把她捧在手心了的男人不为所动，是因为她不是打从心里的爱他。无论他为她做了什么，虽然，她会很感动，当感觉真的只限于感动。。。

感动和爱根本就是两回事。

也许，一时的空虚或感动会让这个女人觉得可以尝试和这个男人交往，可是，不是打从心里喜爱的，长远看来，会有实实在在的感觉吗？会能有那个能量去包容他在你眼里的不完美和所谓的缺点吗？

相反的，她能为另一个男人哭得死去活来，给他气地七孔冒烟，是因为在她心里，这个“坏”男人占了很重要的位子。她根本就不需要找任何理由，就是打从心里喜欢他，紧张他。就算这个男人怎么惹她生气，让她失望，事后，她还是很喜欢他，还是觉得他最棒。 她也会不知哪里来的肚量，可以包容他所有的不完美和所谓的缺点。

男人坏是因为他让女人哭；女人会为男人哭是因为她在乎他，是因为她真的很爱他。

一个男人能让一个女人为他流泪，一定有他在她心目中的价值，那，有价值的男人又怎能算是个坏男人？

再想想，哪一个男人在追一个女人的时候，不是把那个女人捧在手心里，不是一个好男人？当时间一久，相处久了，彼此舒服了，好男人“原形毕露”时，女人一定要一开始，就打从心里喜欢这个男人所有的点点滴滴；不然， 如果找不到那个肚量去包容和接受他的缺点，那，又何必浪费时间开始呢？

寻找一顆属于自己的星星。。。也要相信幸福是要自己争取的。。。

**swoons**

Love protects and perseveres. / Knowing your own feelings is not enough... You need to share that knowledge too!



幸福是。。。能够牵着对方的手到终老

Today...

I always thought I am a very rational person, who would never, never, allow my emotions to mask my thoughts and action.

Again, I over-estimated myself.

I should have known better. If I could forgive someone last time for his betrayal and continued to stay by him thereafter, this case, being so much less severe, should be no exception…

I know I should stay away – especially given my mental and emotional state now. But I still finally relented after trying hard on several occasions NOT to reply his msn/sms and even cut his call off.

I tried. I really did.

Butter was updated in real time, and she was very angry and even let out a few expletives. She does not understand why he came over to look for me and why I EVEN foolishly agreed to meet him.

I don’t too.

I wanted to ask if he came over because he did not hear from me for the past few days, and if that constitutes to the question that if he actually misses me. And if so, doesn’t that mean anything on his part?
But I shut off that thought as soon as it came. What’s the point?

Anyway, we've just met. The meeting was a short one and was just some casual catching up on the past week - about what he did for the past few days, about what I would be doing that evening, about his and my jobs, etc, etc.

Surprisingly, I am not feeling and thinking about anything. SC said it’s good. She said it’s OK that I met him – so long as I don’t feel upset, angry, or any other emotions thereafter – then it’s OK…

Let’s hope this “numb” feeling would continue and history such as what had happened last weekend would not happen tomorrow.

我和他...

原来，我和他拥有过所有的事情都在我脑海里历历在目。从我们第一天认识的画面到今天面对彼此有种莫名的熟悉却陌生的感觉。。。

心真的好痛好酸。。。

那天，开车经过他家，想起他曾经带我去他常去的咖啡店， 想起他曾经叫我在他车上等他，他上楼拿一些东西和把午餐给他外婆就下来，却让我在他车上等上了老半天。。。 想起他下来时傻乎乎地一直跟我说抱歉。。。

那天，和朋友去了一间雪糕店，想起曾经也和他去过几次， 也在那儿聊天到关店，想起他说一定会再带我回去。。。想起他也说过一定会带我去好几个地方，现在却全扑了空。。。

又和另一个朋友约了要见面，朋友所提到的餐馆，却是我们曾经常约会吃饭的地方。。。

那晚在去Butter家的路上时，想起这条路好陌生。。。因为我好久没一个人去她的家。 曾经都是有他载和陪我去。。。 走着走着，我不知怎么的，我就哭了出来。。。 在Butter家楼下深呼吸了好久才上去。。。 还好，姐妹们都没擦觉任何不妥。。。

那天约了Nancy 在Lot1 吃午餐，却想起去年除夕，他下了班来我家接我，然后就到这里吃午餐。。。 以为自己心情也已平复了，却跟Nancy说起这件事时，还说不到一句，就已哽咽哭泣的一句话也说不下去。。。

想起他其实答应了我好多事，却每次只是说说而已；我却一而再，再而三，天真地相信他，让他牵着我的鼻子走， 傻傻地为他找出了一大堆骗自己的理由为什么他说了这么多却没兑现。

好想问他由始至终是不是敷衍，应酬我。。。如果是，那又何必呢？为什么还要说呢？

还有好多好多。。。 为什么好像去到哪里都一定会有和他一起的回忆？可以不要有吗？

想想，也许所有我记得的，他或许大半都不记得了，忘得一干二净了。。。 因为有始至终，都是我自己比较在意这段感情。。。

为什么他说的每一句话 — 不管是有意没意 — 都记得的好清楚。。。 为什么在见他之前告诉自己要保持一段距离， 要大方装着自己一点也没事，也要不再这么地在意他；见到他时，做什么事情时，却无时无刻地都会先想到他，顾虑到他的需要和感受? 就算心里是多么地折腾到几乎要崩溃。。。

没见到他时，真的好想好挂念他。见到他后，心却好痛好痛。

有一度，我盯着他看，从头看到脚，再从脚看到头，反复地问自己这个男人，说真的，到底有什么好，有什么可取之处？朋友也常常问我这问题，但很可惜，我没有答案。

哭到眼睛好红肿，好累。。。 你说，睡了一觉，醒来时，心情是否会好一点？