Learning to breathe… All over again…

It’s not the first time Cheryl asked me to slow down my walking pace and learn to relax…

She said it to me again yesterday, “Can you not walk so fast? It’s the weekend… Chill… Slow down…”

Even one of my tuition students also asks me to learn to chill -- when she got me all worked up with some mistakes she repeated time and time again…

I don’t know… I am someone who gets uptight very easily, and also get flustered very easily, even by little things – which I know, it’s seriously not good. Not good for my mental, emo and overall well-being…

I guess it’s finally taking a toll on me… Have you experienced before – that a lot of things seem to be running through your mind; yet at the same time, your mind seems blank too?

Honestly, I’m not feeling OK at all.

It scares me that I can sometimes just suddenly break down. It even happened a few times in the office – and when two colleagues who saw my teary eyes, expressed concerns, I didn’t even know what and how to tell them…

The thing is – I do not know why I am feeling depressed.

OK – I take that back. I think I know how it all started.

The thing is, when or even before I could snap out of it, another incident (which can be totally unrelated to the thing I was initially upset about) happened before I could fully recover from the previous one… and then, a string of things just happens one after another…

And so, everything just snowballs, adds up… until I don’t even know what and how to think, what to worry, what and how to solve, what and how to snap out of…

And this stupid negative vibe has been around me for damn long that I’m actually beginning to miss my own laughter, my own “bubbliness”, etc….

And it's damn tough trying to act normal in front of colleagues and friends who you are not so close to - so that they would not sense something's wrong and flood you with questions you may not even know how to answer.

Work hasn’t been exactly very smooth or pleasant for the past week either.

Boss asked me to go into a meeting room one morning and said “We need to talk.”

The tone was serious, and when I heard that, I did not have a very good feel about it.

She addressed something which I had done the week before. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have done what I did, and if I wanted to do it, I should have asked her first… But, at that point in time when I did it, I honestly did not think that it was as serious as how she had put it across to me – because I actually knew many people doing such things…

Anyway, the bottomline was she was very unhappy and displeased with my action/behaviour. Her harsh words during the discussion still rang in my mind…

Although she tried to end the conversation with somewhat a softer touch later with “I’ve actually thought about this over the weekend – whether I should turn a blind eye to it or if I should address it with you. But I thought I should have a word with you; otherwise, it would mean I am condoning your behaviour.

Anyway, I’ve decided to let this incident pass. Case closed and let’s move on.”, somehow, that discussion had put a strain on our working relationship. I don’t know about her, but I feel very awkward each time I have to face her now.

Throughout the week, things seemed to be as per normal.. until I saw a nasty email from her later part of the week – asking me why I did not do some routine menial tasks… When I saw her email first thing in the morning when I got to work, I found myself fuming… There were, of course, legitimate reasons why I did not get around doing some menial tasks…

Right, granted – in retrospect, I should have informed her that I did not get around doing some routine menial tasks. But I just wonder if it really warranted such a harsh email. Besides, these tasks would not endanger any progress in any projects…

And I especially hate it when she ended the email with sarcasm – “Let me know if you are having problems coping with your current workload.”

Come on, she and I both knew my to-do’s list. And she and I both knew that I am not as busy as previous weeks. And if I could complete these menial tasks during the busy weeks, there's no reason why I could not do it when I'm supposed to have a bit more leisure time on hand. So, why end with that sarcasm?

And we are talking about routine menial tasks here, which I’ve been doing for the past one year plus; and not some major thingie that would leave me working in office till wee hours or even some stuff which would delay her plans/work or wat... What the Y#&*$^(#^%^%#W..

She obviously doubts my capabilities now, isn’t it?

And so, I could not help but link the discussion early in the week and the email later in the week together. It seems that it was not “Case closed” afterall. Isn’t it? She’s starting to nitpick on me, isn’t it?

Now, I have become paranoid and check my work email many times over the weekend – in case I received some shocking or upsetting emails from her again.

I really dread going back to work tomorrow…

Isn’t this year supposed to be a good year for Goats?

Why, then, is everything so not smooth-sailing?