Glimpses into my very scattered random thoughts...

"People are to be loved and things are to be used... But nowadays, people are used and things are loved."

Saw this on an acquaintance's status on FB. How true...

Suddenly, remembered someone said to me before that "I"m only friends with so-and-so because they are of value to me. Once they outlived their value, I do not see the need to maintain contact as friends - unless of course, they make the effort but still, I do not see the point."

Scary, isn't it? And we were only 18 or 19 years old then. But there are really such people around, and still surviving well. In fact, perhaps, much better than you and me. It dun really hurt them that much, particularly when they belong to the good-looking-and-know-they are-attractive type. Morons just swarm around them.

I steered far away from this "friend" ever since.

***

Am feeling a bit messy up there again. Today, Butter mentioned something to me in a by-the-way tone and then, we were at the topic again. And the conversation made me tear again. Shucks. I guessed it's the feeling of wanting to do a lot of things but I absolutely have no idea how to go about doing it or reaching out to people -- which may sound pretty ironic.

This also again, reminded me of my silly nightmare, some time ago, of everyone forsaking and ignoring me when I called out to them. Or the nightmare about my teeth being crushed - to which I did an Internet search - which some sources denoted that such nightmare usually signifies that one is very afraid of losing some thing one cherishes very much, yet refusing to admit it.

And then, just the other day, for some reason, Butter mentioned about reaching mid-life and having achieved nothing yet. Now, I think I finally kind of understand why some people are always asking what's their purpose in life? What are they doing here?

It's scary. Time flashes past quickly. It's kinda sad that when you look back, you can't name anything or any achievements, big or small, that you are really proud of.

***

I also feel kinda silly, and a bit weird, for including some other people - apart from my family and really close buddies whom I hold close to my heart - in my prayers - particularly for good health and safety.

Silly because I've been really diligent and sincere about it. Weird because, I'm ashamed to admit, that I think I am even more diligent and sincere now than before.

But I still include them anyway, cos it is something that has been nagging somewhere in my head, no matter how hard I try to be nonchalent about it.

I really hope all's well.

***

A friend recently put down everything at hand immediately and bought an air ticket to New York to visit someone whom she holds very close to her heart. He is suffering from a relapse and is seeking medical treatment there. He told her his condition is critical and he's not really sure whether he can survive this crisis.

Her reactions to his calls reminded me of my brief irrational moments during a company trip at Ho Chi Minh when I received some bad news too. At that moment, I just wanted to immediately fly back to Singapore. If not for my parents who were with me, and I did not want to alarm them, and of course, my call to Butter who calmed me down, I sometimes, wonder if I would have made arrangements to fly back there and then.

So now, I guessed I could understand how my friend feels. She just want to be by his side, and just to be there, even though she knows she can offer little help to alleviate his agony.

I hope he's also on his way to recovery.

Honestly, I admire this friend's courage. I'm not sure if I would have the same courage if, touch wood, I were to be caught in a same situation -- especially when I'm still not even sure if he holds me dear to his heart as I do.

I mean, her actions should say a lot to the guy but what if it has, all along, been one-sided? Wouldn't her sudden appearance (she did not tell him that she's flying over) be a shock, rather than a surprise, and create awkward moments? He can't not entertain you because you flew all the way there. But if the feeling was not mutual, it's just sad. More than sad.

Then again, I'm just the same old pessimistic me. I read somewhere too, that sometimes, love needs some impulse. You can't think and consider too much because love doesn't wait. I totally agree with that too. And so, I was all for my friend flying over. I don't want her to live in regrets, if anything unfortunate should happen.

The last conversation I had with this friend before she left for New York was that she told me to really cherish those I love. All things happen for a reason. People act in certain ways because something has happened and he/she might not want to let you know cos he/she is not in a clear state of mind yet or he/she might really be caught up with very important or life-and death matters or what... I need to be more understanding and stop my paranoia. And that I should not try to analyse or see things in my usual cynical and pessimistic way.

Which makes me remember a book I came across at my Regional Director's desk two days ago when I was in office at 5.20 am... "Whatever you think, think the opposite." That's a book for being creative and thinking out of the box. I shared this with my designer and he said it's true. I should try. But he added, another way is - whatever you think, if you can't think the opposite way, then exaggerate it! Hmmm...

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