A very incoherent entry...

I would most probably be “stoned to death” by my friends for entertaining this WEIRD thought and even have the audacity penning this down in record… but I shall naively assume that all my friends, especially those close ones, are mature enough to understand that individuals are entitled to their own random thoughts and opinions, etc, regardless of how weird or boh-liao they are…

Had dinner with Nancy last night, and when she asked me casually what I’ve been busy with for the past month or so…

Me: The usual.. but I’ve been feeling very tired for the longest time, and having the nagging feeling that I haven’t had time for myself for a long long time… and I need that.

Nan: You keep going out with A & B? Meeting them weekly?

Me: No.

Nan: Then? Why no time for yourself? Why so busy? Or you keep meeting C? Or is it D? E, F or G?

And so, she started to list all the names I dropped during our past conversations (gosh.. she does have a good memory…) I perfectly understood that she meant well and expressing concern (which I do appreciate) when she tried to probe further; but on the other hand, I felt I was being interrogated. And part of me was wondering – why do I need to tell you who I’ve been frequently meeting or what?

Despite my repetitive “NO” answer, she, being her usual inquisitive self, did not really catch the subtle hint that I wanted her to stop probing there and then.

To prevent her from guessing further, I simply told her not to guess or ask anymore, cos I could not remember (which was true… , or at least, it’s not at the tip of my fingertips what I did for the past week or who I met.. and I’m not interested, and too lazy, to think, think, think just to satisfy her inquisitive appetite…)

But from this incident, something just suddenly got me thinking…

She could just start to list names of some of MY friends, regardless whether she really knows them or not… And she knows what I’ve been up to randomly, via some of my friends’ FB updates (who have also added her as friend. Or I dunno who add who..) And honestly, and dun ask me why, but for whatever reasons, I’m not exactly comfortable with that.

Take for example, she just went – You and Serene drove all of you up to Cameron?! You dare to drive?? Whose car did you drive? And all those questions just totally caught me off guard.

Not that I have anything to hide or what, but I did not have the intention of purposely sharing with my other friends that I’m drove up to Cameron with my sister pals…

Or rather, to put it in another clearer way, it just gave me a very unsettling feeling that when you did not share a piece of information of your life personally with someone, or via your own FB updates, and yet that someone knows – from another source.. and started questioning you about it..

What happened and where did that little space of privacy go to?

Which brings me to another point.

Nan is MY friend. A, B, C, D, E, F & G are MY friends. Nan met SOME of them only, the most, once or twice, through me.

And I shall assume that she dun even have A, B, C, D, E, F & G’s phone numbers, email addies, or even spoke more than 10 sentences with each other, what have you.

So, are A, B, C, D, E, F & G even considered friends of Nan’s?

And if not, why are they friends on FB and even have the time to go see/snoop around, looking at photos or updates of people you aren’t even close to?

No, don’t get me wrong.

I’m perfectly fine with them getting acquainted with one another and being friends on FB, and even upgraded the relationship from being just acquaintances to friends in real life, what have you.

But I honestly just find it “too effort” that people take the effort to go search online for other second-degree friends and request to be added – and the “weird” part is, the 2 may just be acquaintances for the longest time or hear each other names via me, and are not really friends to begin with…

It all just became a game of collecting names in your online account. And what’s the point in this?

And yet, the best part is, one could still go “kay poh” about an acquaintance’s life – via FB updates (notwithstanding the part if one is really into that person as a love interest or really want the person as a friend for whatever reasons)

And also, it just struck me that why is it that my friends know the names of my circle of other friends; yet, I don’t know my friends’ other circle of friends?

But, of course, I guessed partly, it might be me who did not make any effort to be interested and get to know my friends’ other circle of friends…

Hmm… now that I wrote to here, I also dunno what is the point I am trying to make here in the first place…

****

And to make things worse for myself…

Butter just msn-ed me excitedly with a “Hey babe!” and cos I was still trying hard to re-arrange my thots and figure the point I am trying to make here and phrase it more succinctly, I carelessly replied with a “?”…

To my total shock, she actually dismissed it off as a super unfriendly reply.. and then, her subsequent replies seemed angry and pissed – even after I tried to lighten the situation with “Orh, then I answer you now with a ‘hey babe!’”.

Her reply was “Next time you reply with a ‘?’, I’m not going to say anything anymore.”

HUH???

Honestly, if the images in the cartoons really exist, you could really see many question marks hanging above my head…

And when I explained that I was busy (without going into details) and asked her what’s up, she decided not to share with whatever she intended to share with me in the 1st place with a curt “nvm.”. “Nothing.” And finally, “”Go be bz then.”

And all because of a “Question mark”…

… …

****

On another note, I forgot how much I enjoy reading. Be it trash magazines, fiction stories, marketing journals, branding books, etc... Spent almost the whole afternoon at the national library last Saturday reading and totally loving it.

Love the reading. Love the time to me and myself, with no other distraction.

Apart from the fact that there was this stoopid guy who sat beside me, and somehow, slowly invaded into my sofa space with his bag, laptop and books. But I think my stern stare and irritated look sent the message loud and clear that he picked up his stuff and left.

Borrowed a branding book back home and could not put it down for the past few days. Read it on the train. Read it before I sleep these days... It's great.

I should do this more often... I really should.

***

This afternoon, for dunno-what reason, while shopping with my cousins, chit-chatting, happy and all, a very uneasy feeling suddenly hit me, out from nowhere, and I actually trembled for that split second. And the first thought that came to me was him.

I hope and pray things are alright.

It will be alright.

Me minus you equals blue

Love this song the first time I heard it years back... Tried to find the MP3 in vain.. Gave up..

Heard it on radio again today and still love it. (Just goes to show sometimes, not all things change with age...) Tried to find the MP3 again. In vain again. Roped in Bloss to find too. Tough luck. =(

And so, I'll just have to settle for a non-motion obiang photo youtube video...



With all my heart, I pledge my love forever
You've got my word, you and I will always be together
There may be times, we have a disagreement
This love's too strong, to ever let it come between us

I would, I would keep this love alive Oh baby
I would, I would because otherwise

Me minus u equals blue
Can't imagine what I ever do
If it'd ever came to
Me minus u equals blue
I can't stand the thought of us apart
Like so many hearts hidden in the dark
It will never be me minus u

Each day I learn, a little more about you
Then I know for sure, that I'd never wanna be without you
We're gonna stay so true to this relation
Me without your love is such a sad equation baby

I would, I would keep this love alive Oh baby
I would, I would be cause otherwise

Me minus u equals blue
Can't imagine what I ever do
If it'd ever came to
Me minus u equals blue
I can't stand the thought of us apart
Like so many hearts hidden in the dark
It'll never be…

What we got can't get much better
I would never change a thing
Baby we're so good together
Then I'll never, never ever want it to be me

Me minus u equals blue
Me minus u equals blue
Can't imagine what I ever do
If it'd ever came to
Me minus u equals blue
I can't stand the thought of us apart
I want you in my life
I can't be without your love

Me minus u equals blue
Can't imagine what I ever do
If it'd ever came to
Me minus u equals blue
I can't stand the thought of us apart
I need you here with me

Me - you = blue...

Rawa Island ~ 15-17 May 2009

This entry is a bit late... Realised I did not blog about my other trips after Phnom Penh... So here goes...

Phnom Penh in April and Rawa in May...

The trip to Rawa was really one of the most enjoyable and unforgettable trips that I had so far ... Simply because it is really just an island, and you feel that you are really on a relaxed holiday, away from the hustle and bustle of city life and air/water pollution...

And more importantly, without any other distractions, like TV (you know what a TV addict I am...), computer (though the guys brought along a laptop, which we used to watch some... erm.. crappy movies...) and mobile phone.. (I think apart from two smses from a fren who questioned why I was overseas with the Swine Flu alert everywhere, and a couple of sms-es from him, I'm glad my phone stayed quiet most of the time.)

The sky was blue. The water was blue. Or rather, the water was so clear that you could actually see fishes swimming - even when I did not go snorkelling with the rest.

Not to mention, Jenny and the guys were fun company. I'm so glad Jenny asked me along for the trip (think she guessed I needed one...), and I'm so glad I agreed.

The one thing I enjoy travelling with Jenny is I can just be quiet and be in my own world, and she leaves me in it, without nudging/nagging/whining at me to join them for the activities or whatsoever, and not be offended that I needed some solitude time.

Just like how I was totally zonked out on the 1st night when we reached and all I wanted to do then was to shower and retire back to the room to zzz like a piggie. And Jenny had to "explain" to the guys to let me be, and so, the three of them played games in the other room. Then again, in the end, I was drifting in and out of sleep because I could hear them laughing and chatting so clearly! hahaha...

Or during our Bintan trip quite some years back, when for some reason, the flu bug acted up and I just had to pop the medicine and immediately retire to bed at 8 pm, leaving her in the room to do some leisure reading...

But honestly, I seriously appreciate that. I reckon if i were with any other friends, I would ultimately be obliging (unwillingly) and "dong" through the night until everyone decided to call it a day.

Really enjoyed the trip and look forward to going there again!

Oh, and another thing, I absolutely enjoyed the 200km/hr ride! Woohoo! hahaha..

First day when we arrived at the sunny island!

Jump! x 1

Jump! x 2

See how clear the water is!!

Babes! haha!

Glimpses into my very scattered random thoughts...

"People are to be loved and things are to be used... But nowadays, people are used and things are loved."

Saw this on an acquaintance's status on FB. How true...

Suddenly, remembered someone said to me before that "I"m only friends with so-and-so because they are of value to me. Once they outlived their value, I do not see the need to maintain contact as friends - unless of course, they make the effort but still, I do not see the point."

Scary, isn't it? And we were only 18 or 19 years old then. But there are really such people around, and still surviving well. In fact, perhaps, much better than you and me. It dun really hurt them that much, particularly when they belong to the good-looking-and-know-they are-attractive type. Morons just swarm around them.

I steered far away from this "friend" ever since.

***

Am feeling a bit messy up there again. Today, Butter mentioned something to me in a by-the-way tone and then, we were at the topic again. And the conversation made me tear again. Shucks. I guessed it's the feeling of wanting to do a lot of things but I absolutely have no idea how to go about doing it or reaching out to people -- which may sound pretty ironic.

This also again, reminded me of my silly nightmare, some time ago, of everyone forsaking and ignoring me when I called out to them. Or the nightmare about my teeth being crushed - to which I did an Internet search - which some sources denoted that such nightmare usually signifies that one is very afraid of losing some thing one cherishes very much, yet refusing to admit it.

And then, just the other day, for some reason, Butter mentioned about reaching mid-life and having achieved nothing yet. Now, I think I finally kind of understand why some people are always asking what's their purpose in life? What are they doing here?

It's scary. Time flashes past quickly. It's kinda sad that when you look back, you can't name anything or any achievements, big or small, that you are really proud of.

***

I also feel kinda silly, and a bit weird, for including some other people - apart from my family and really close buddies whom I hold close to my heart - in my prayers - particularly for good health and safety.

Silly because I've been really diligent and sincere about it. Weird because, I'm ashamed to admit, that I think I am even more diligent and sincere now than before.

But I still include them anyway, cos it is something that has been nagging somewhere in my head, no matter how hard I try to be nonchalent about it.

I really hope all's well.

***

A friend recently put down everything at hand immediately and bought an air ticket to New York to visit someone whom she holds very close to her heart. He is suffering from a relapse and is seeking medical treatment there. He told her his condition is critical and he's not really sure whether he can survive this crisis.

Her reactions to his calls reminded me of my brief irrational moments during a company trip at Ho Chi Minh when I received some bad news too. At that moment, I just wanted to immediately fly back to Singapore. If not for my parents who were with me, and I did not want to alarm them, and of course, my call to Butter who calmed me down, I sometimes, wonder if I would have made arrangements to fly back there and then.

So now, I guessed I could understand how my friend feels. She just want to be by his side, and just to be there, even though she knows she can offer little help to alleviate his agony.

I hope he's also on his way to recovery.

Honestly, I admire this friend's courage. I'm not sure if I would have the same courage if, touch wood, I were to be caught in a same situation -- especially when I'm still not even sure if he holds me dear to his heart as I do.

I mean, her actions should say a lot to the guy but what if it has, all along, been one-sided? Wouldn't her sudden appearance (she did not tell him that she's flying over) be a shock, rather than a surprise, and create awkward moments? He can't not entertain you because you flew all the way there. But if the feeling was not mutual, it's just sad. More than sad.

Then again, I'm just the same old pessimistic me. I read somewhere too, that sometimes, love needs some impulse. You can't think and consider too much because love doesn't wait. I totally agree with that too. And so, I was all for my friend flying over. I don't want her to live in regrets, if anything unfortunate should happen.

The last conversation I had with this friend before she left for New York was that she told me to really cherish those I love. All things happen for a reason. People act in certain ways because something has happened and he/she might not want to let you know cos he/she is not in a clear state of mind yet or he/she might really be caught up with very important or life-and death matters or what... I need to be more understanding and stop my paranoia. And that I should not try to analyse or see things in my usual cynical and pessimistic way.

Which makes me remember a book I came across at my Regional Director's desk two days ago when I was in office at 5.20 am... "Whatever you think, think the opposite." That's a book for being creative and thinking out of the box. I shared this with my designer and he said it's true. I should try. But he added, another way is - whatever you think, if you can't think the opposite way, then exaggerate it! Hmmm...

***

Still 发花痴-ing...

Today, amid the rush to memorise my script and to finish my work for the day, I heard two of my colleagues let out a scream and then came over to my side and one of them went, "You saw 林峰 up close & personal again ya?!"

Bla bla bla... bla bla bla... (ya ya.. I actually put down my work for that five minutes to gush abt how cute and handsome 林峰 is, and showed them the photos... All these when I'm so pressed for time today some more! Kaoz.. priorities seemed all wrong.. but well, cos it's 林峰, so what's five minutes? oops...)

And hence, I hereby announce I am starting my 发花痴-ing all over again... Shucks!









Awww... ~ cute!


**Credits to Fung Forever **